Pre-Divorce Counseling Advice

March 14, 2015 By Shared Parenting Confessional in Advice, All Confessions

A pre-divorce group counseling session offered guiding words for this parent.

My ex wife and I attended a pre-divorce group counseling session required by the judge. One quote really hit the nail on the head for me, “Most children of divorced parents are damaged, maybe 90%. The other 10% grow stronger from the experience.”

So I ask, which side of that coin do you want your children to be on: 90/10, damaged/strong?

Divorce is an emotional storm.

Divorce and kids can often be a messy combination. The judge’s statement, and the 90/10 statements, can help you go through this journey with integrity. Remember them often.

Act badly and your children will be damaged. Act with integrity and your children will grow strong.

Cliff Thomas shares the quote from Minnesota Judge Issues 200 Blunt Words to Divorcing Parents

Post link: http://drcliffthomas.com/divorce-and-kids/

Site link: drcliffthomas.com

#80, Pre-Divorce Counseling Advice

Judge has Blunt Words for Parents

March 14, 2015 By Shared Parenting Confessional in Advice, All Confessions

The following advice from retired Minnesota Judge has been circulating for years among judges, attorneys and child advocates as powerful words of advice for all parents going through a divorce. We hope you’ll take the time to read them!

Judge Michael Haas retired in December 2002 after 26 years of service as a Judge in Cass County, Minnesota. In a letter written to advice columnist Abigail Van Buren as early as October 1994 by attorney Paul J. Kiltinen of Baxter, Minnesota, Mr. Kiltinen shared the following remarks by Judge Hass in a particularly difficult divorce case, describing the Judge’s remarks as “some of the most profound words of wisdom I’ve ever heard from the bench in all my years as an attorney. His philosophy could provide insight to all parents, especially those who are involved in difficult dissolutions.”

Judge Haas’ concise advice in less than 200 words is so well known and so widely respected that it has been referenced in multiple appellate court decisions, including Burke v. Burke, Tennessee Court of Appeals, No. M2000-01111-COA-R3-CV, Aug. 7, 2001 and Krupp v. Cunningham-Grogan, Tennessee Court of Appeals, No. M2005-01098-COA-R3-CV, August 29, 2006.

It’s also been cited in Lawyers Weekly USA No. 9921543 and in Don R. Ash’s law review article, Bridge Over Troubled Water: Changing the Custody Law in Tennessee, 27 U. Mem. L. Rev. 769, 771-72 (1997).

Letter is transcribed below post.

Minnesota Judge Has 200 Blunt Words
for Divorcing Parents

By Judge Michael Haas
2001

“Your children have come into this world because of the two of you. Perhaps you two made lousy choices as to whom you decided to be the other parent. If so, that is your problem and your fault.

No matter what you think of the other party—or what your family thinks of the other party—these children are one-half of each of your. Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an “idiot” his father is, or what a “fool” his mother is, or how bad the absent parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling the child half of him is bad.

That is an unforgivable thing to do to a child. That is not love. That is possession. If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing to their emotions.

I sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children. Think more about your children and less about yourselves, and make yours a selfless kind of love, not foolish or selfish, or your children will suffer.”

Link: http://defend-yourself-go-pro-se.blogspot.com/2012/07/minnesota-judge-has-200-blunt-words-for.html

#79, Judge has Blunt Words for Parents

Effects of Divorce

March 14, 2015 By Shared Parenting Confessional in All Confessions

One parent shares their view in the reality of divorce. The effects of divorce, regardless of how things are handled, will impact the child!

Based on personal experience and observations in my family and circle of friends, there is no such thing as a good divorce. In one way or another, your child will suffer the effects of divorce for the REST OF THEIR LIFE!

#78, Effects of Divorce

A Fathers’ Fear

March 13, 2015 By Shared Parenting Confessional in All Confessions, Parental Experiences

A father expresses concerns about how things will change when his son begins school. His comments about spending quality time with his son are heartwarming and resonate with many parents.

I don’t live with my child full time and this doesn’t leave me fearful, that he will love me any less then his mother. What leaves me fearful is when he starts school, i will become an every other weekend daddy. 12 days which is 288 hours without contact doesn’t justify myself having an influence on his education at all. Apparently the courts say time during the week with a parent isn’t quality time. So you mean feeding, bathing and reading bed time stories isn’t classed as quality time. Try going into your child’s empty room, or looking at his car seat every time you drive. Then you understand what true quality time is. All it takes is for a mother to say, yes you can have him during the week and that’s access granted. So as a man and father am i classed as an equal?

Shared by Tremaine Walter, Fathers That Care FB page, on March 12, 2015.

Link to post: https://www.facebook.com/Father.that.care/photos/a.150283514

3263335.1073741829.1495521817328001/1590860067794175/?type=1&theater

Link to Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/Father.that.care?fref=photo

#77, A Fathers’ Fear

Parent to Parent

March 11, 2015 By Shared Parenting Confessional in All Confessions

This parent sends a message to parents of divorce and shares thoughts on the responsibility of the parent to their family. Keep in mind, this is in response to a ‘divorce’ story that someone shared on a site. Links to story and site are shared below.

Some parents become so selfish.. They think everything will be fine at the end..(ONLY FOR THEM) but forget the mental trauma the kids go through.

We raise our kids to give them the best future ever, Loving Families, the happiness of the world. BUT Then As Parents we destroy it with their own selfish choice! But as we are tied in our emotional needs and stubbornness, And how to take revenge on our ex partners and thinking Divorce is freedom for us.. we simply forget we are tearing our own family apart which we once loved unlimited! Totally damaging our kids future and their prospects!

SO AS PARENTS KEEP YOUR EGO AND STUBBORNNESS DOWN!! MAKE IT WORK FOR YOUR CHILDREN SAKE AND STOP BEING SELFISH!! NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS IMPORTANT THAN THEIR SMILES!!

Response to a story “Children’s Smiles” shared on The Marriage Ecosystem

Link to site: http://marriage-ecosystem.org

May 23, 2014 by Patience.

Link to story and response:

http://www.marriage-ecosystem.org/divorce-never-ends-for-children.html

#76, A Message to Parents

Sad Family Members

March 11, 2015 By Shared Parenting Confessional in All Confessions, Artwork from Child

This young artist seems to have created the ‘new’ family arrangement. A BIG X removes the dad from the picture. A pronounced feature of this drawing is the sadness. Each member of the family is created with a sad face and tears streaming down. Even the infant has a sad face!

Drawing as shown on Divorce and kids. http://www.divorceandkids.com

Link to drawing: http://www.divorceandkids.com/images/Drawing_4.jpg

#75, Sad Family

Meeting in The Middle

March 10, 2015 By Shared Parenting Confessional in All Confessions, Artwork About Child

One mom shares her story about meeting in the middle for the sake of her son.

My ex-husband and I had little love for each other in our last months of marriage, both of us wounded, both of us in tears, both of us heartbroken. If there weren’t a child, we’d have put each other away like an old rag, either tossed in the garbage, shoved way back in a cupboard, or maybe burned to a crisp. It could have ended with us destroying each other out of spite. But there was a child. Jake. And we couldn’t ruin him with bitterness.

Yet how do two people who have no need for each other raise a son? I had no idea. When my lawyer recommended that we see a co-parenting counselor, a type of therapist I’d never heard of, I did what I always do when I need perspective: I called my mother.

“You’re divorcing him for a reason, Hayley,” my mother said. “You’re not supposed to get along with your ex-husband, otherwise you’d still be together.”

“But I want to be friends with him, like you and Dad are,” I said.

“It took years for your father and me, you know that,” she said. “So don’t create a fantasy about my relationship with your father.”

She was right. My parents’ split was messy. As much as my mother attempted to shield me from a lot of the hurt, they still fought, and like many couples, they made their share of mistakes. It took ten years, but eventually, my parents managed to share low-calorie cranberry sauce on Thanksgiving and brisket on Passover.

Still, when my own divorce struck, I was determined not to repeat their missteps. So I broached the subject of seeing this special kind of therapist with my soon-to-be ex-husband. He was more than familiar with my childhood divorce stories and was immediately open to the idea. When we scheduled an introductory session with Paul Dasher, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, it was the first thing we’d agreed on in months.

.“Raising Healthy, Happy Kids Through a Divorce”, Parenting.com, by Hayley Krischer. March 2015

http://www.parenting.com/article/raising-healthy-happy-kids-through-a-divorce

#74, Meeting in the Middle

Message from a Non-Custodial Mother

March 10, 2015 By Shared Parenting Confessional in All Confessions, True Confessions

One mother shares how being the non-custodial parent is best for her and her daughters. Despite the harsh words and criticism from family and friends she expresses contentment with her choice.

As a non-custodial mother I do not have physical custody of my two children. In fact, my kids live on the other side of the nation with their father.

This arrangement was not my first choice. My divorce was high conflict and was inflicting intense emotional pain on my girls. I believed that the only option was to remove myself from the situation-even at the sacrifice of my relationship with my sweet girls.

Not everyone understands. There seems to be this stigma attached when a mother does not have custody of her children. There is a double standard. Men without custody are not ostracized by friends and family. In fact, men receive empathy, support, and sympathy. I lost friends! I was ridiculed! Several relatives still keep their distance from me.

I am connected with my girls. We use skype IM, FB, texting and talk on the phone. We have a close relationship. In my heart I believe I am a good mother and feel that this is best for my family.

#73, Message from a Non-Custodial Mother

Family Before and After Divorce

March 9, 2015 By Shared Parenting Confessional in All Confessions, Artwork from Child

One young artist shares a happy “before” drawing on top, and a grim “after” in the bottom picture. This reveals the heartache of divorce for one child. This speaks more to the parents making efforts to place the focus on on the child and meeting the emotional needs of the child. Parental conflict, fighting and bickering impacts the child at an emotional level as seen in the happy pic and the sad drawing.

“Before”

“After”

Drawings from KID’S FIRST PROGRAM

“Before and After”, appeared in the Honolulu Star-Bulletin Hawaii News, August 26, 2001, by Debra Barayuga

dbarayuga@starbulletin.comarchives.starbulletin.com/2001/08/26/news/story2.html

http://archives.starbulletin.com/2001/08/26/news/story2.html

#72, Before and After

Blah Blah Blah

March 9, 2015 By Shared Parenting Confessional in All Confessions, Artwork from Child

This drawing by an 11-year-old describes a man and woman fighting “blah, blah, blah, blah”. A sun with a sad face appears above. The young artist says “I want you to stop arguing with each other because it doesn’t make me feel good,”