Author Archives: Shared Parenting Confessional

Missing Everyday Events

February 24, 2015 By in All Confessions, Parental Experiences

 

One father shares his feelings on missing the daily activities.

 

“(It) was really hard right at first with the divorce because you go through a period of time where, as a father, you’re so lonely in the first place, you want to overcompensate, you want to show the kids that you love them so much and that you care about them so much…you miss that relationship so much. When you go from having them every day, you know, the day to day things, as a father you miss tucking them into bed, saying their prayers, reading a book. It might just be coming home from work and asking them how their day at school was. It can be anything like that.”

 

As shared on Fatherwork

http://fatherwork.byu.edu/nonCustodial.htm

Missing Out

February 24, 2015 By in All Confessions, Parental Experiences

 

One father shares how he misses out on the day-to-day activities of his children’s lives.

 

“It was a tremendous feeling of loss for me. Even more so, it was a tremendous regret. To think about what it’s like when children first get up in the morning and they’re kind of sleepy-eyed and to give them a big hug and a kiss to be with them at the end of the day and to have dinner with them on a regular basis. The ability to just “have” all the little thing.

“The opportunities to express love and to give them a hug and to smile and ask them a question….just to be interested in what is going on in their everyday school lives, and all the little school programs that they’ve done that I wasn’t able to fly in for that were happening all the time. I always felt a tremendous sense of loss and that hurt.”

As shared on Fatherwork

http://fatherwork.byu.edu/nonCustodial.htm

Heart Led Astray

February 23, 2015 By in All Confessions, Psychological Abuse-child

 

One mother shares the heartache of experiencing PAS with her husband’s co-parent and how she found peace in her heart and her story of learning to forgive.  

 

The next two years became an uphill battle for us.  Having to watch everything we did because every couple of months she would get upset about something and cut all contact off for a month at a time. Eventually increasing to two months, and finally two full years.

After these family meetings we would soak up every minute with our daughter. Even if we had to deal with random drop ins after her boyfriend got home from work. He missed the baby all day. He wants to spend an hour with her. Then we’d get a phone call that typically came at the end of that hour explaining how she fell asleep or wasn’t feeling good. Our visit was over. We learned to treasure each moment with her.

We caught one last glimpse of what we had left on our visit home for Christmas.   Eleven solid months in, of us finally getting along. The first and last “family” Christmas we had together.  After the New Year she pulled away from us. Her boyfriend erasing us from their life.  Erasing the memory of us from our daughter.  Pulling both of them into a life of drugs and solitude.   Changing phone numbers and moving to keep us away.  Hiding our little girl’s face anytime they’d run into our friends and family.  Keeping to themselves.

Despite seeing the hurt all over his face when we finally reunite with our little girl and we hear her say “I already have a daddy.”

My heart sees beyond the anger, betrayal, and alienation it has faced. To the heart of someone who was led astray.

 

Read full story at:

 

A Message to Parents

February 23, 2015 By in Adult Children of Divorce, All Confessions

 

One child offers advice to parents who are divorcing.

Dear Parents,
I worked through my parent’s divorce because it was amicable. The most important thing they did to help me was they kept up their talking and their friendship. I still get the same attention that I got when my Mom and Dad were married.

I really had to get used to this change, in some ways it took apart my life. In three years I was able to sew my life back together. This is how your child can feel too if you as parents keep talking to each other and to your kids. Make sure that your children know why you got divorced, because they may think it’s their fault like I did.

Sincerely,

Your child

Hope After Alienation

February 17, 2015 By in All Confessions, Happy Endings

 

Ryan Thomas shares an update on reuniting with his father and how there is HOPE AFTER ALIENATION!

My Dad and I had an amazing trip to Italy together a few years ago. We were sitting in an outside cafe in Tuscany laughing about how neither one of us could have predicted after all the years of parental alienation and silence that we could have the relationship we have. We were so grateful and toasted my mom with a laugh that she wouldn’t have believed it!  There is #hopeafteralienation

 

FB: Ryan Thomas Speaks

Post: https://www.facebook.com/ryanthomasspeaks/photos/a.769625889769229.1073741828.768468579884960/769625696435915/?type=1&theater

A Message to Co-Parents

February 16, 2015 By in Adult Children of Divorce, All Confessions

One daughter shares the message that a child deserves to have both  parents in their life.    

 

Rachael Brown Patterson

Many years ago my parents divorced. I watched my dad struggle trying to get ahead with his new family. Every time my dad got a raise my mother took him back to court. Where I don’t ever remember my mom struggling. I definitely saw my dad. My dad had me every other weekend and time during the summer. My mom did allow me to go over when ever I wanted but when I asked to live with him…..FORGET IT.

She had custody and she was able to decide and my dad didn’t have the money to go back to court. Today I don’t have a relationship with my mom. When I graduated high school I moved out…. I never felt wanted at my moms… I always felt like I was an inconvenience she had no problem with me visiting my dad but NO to living with him (she always claimed it was because of the school district he resided in). My mom would always degrade my dad, but when I went to my dads and vented about my mom he NEVER degraded her and either did my step-mom. I look back now and I feel like I was a paycheck for my mom, nothing else. I love my Dad more and more everyday and told myself if I ever got divorced I would always give our children equal rights to see their dad and never take more than needed in child support.

Well quite a few years ago I got divorced. Although my ex husband would tell me I was just like my mom to try to hurt me (which it did) i made sure for my children’s sake they had equal visitation (he was allowed up to 15 days a month) with him even though he resided in a different school district. We ended up with joint custody with me having placement. I did get child support but we agreed to alot less than what NYS mandated because I wanted our children to have a home and food while living with their father and he would need money to b able to bring them to school. Our children are 18 and 16 and although incidents have occurred neither one of us were the “perfect” parent we have tried to b the best parents we could. Our children love us equally and know that BOTH of us will always b there for them.

I have also seen the other side. My boyfriend had to fight to be able to see his little girl. He was disabled and took their little girl everywhere. ( it was one of the reasons i fell in love with him, watching him talk about her) when they split up she ran and wouldn’t let him see her. I watched what the court system did and said to him as the mother sat their and lied. He at the time had a public defender who did nothing for him even though he was the primary parent. We ended up getting her when mom had to work…..that was it. It was then we decided to hire an actual lawyer someone who was paid to fight for him.
Thankfully this guy did his job….he wasnt out to take her from mom he just wanted equal rights to her. After his lawyer talked to the judge and the truth came out we ended up with 50/50 placement and joint custody now we get her every other week.

He was one of the lucky ones. I have watched what the how women abuse the court systems and I have watched the court systems abuse the men. Its not fair to the children. There needs to b a fair judge who will always do what’s in the best interest of the child.

Parents if you really love your children you will allow both parents in their life. Its what they deserve. There is no such thing as a perfect parent and there is no such thing as a child getting to much love.

 

The Fathers Rights Movement/2-16-15

No Winners in Estrangement

February 16, 2015 By in All Confessions, Psychological Abuse-child

 

Faun shares the importance of parents and how making peace with your parents is making peace with yourself.  Thank you Faun for sharing this beautiful story!  

 

Regardless of the details of my story I am here to tell you that there are no winners in estrangement. As justified as you may believe that you are in estranging from your parents, it is not healthy. It is not normal. It is not an act of love. If anything it is an act of intolerance.

The saddest thing for you is that if you have children, no matter their ages and or how close you may be at this time, by virtue of the fact that you have chosen this, you have now modeled behavior for your own children. They are very likely to dismiss you from their lives the same way they have witnessed you do it to your mother and/or father. Believe it. Case studies support this.

What you are in essence modeling for your own children is that 1) parents aren’t important and can be easily erased from your life 2) disrespect 3) silent treatment 4) judgment 5) lack of tolerance and lack of forgiveness. What you are losing is your roots, your family history and heritage. If you are a biological child you miss out on your family health history. Your children are missing out on knowing their family and their grandparents. Lost years can never be made up.

I believe that most all parents love their children. Maybe it isn’t perfect but they aren’t perfect and neither are you. No one is perfect.

Like many of you I have other relationships that I created through the years, I have “other mothers” and “other children” that I have loved and have loved me too. They have helped me to heal and to fill many of the voids. But the reality is that no one can take the place of our birth parents. That history cannot be re-written. And our children come from us. They are a part of our being and our souls and our hearts are forever connected.

Do you need to be “right?” or do you need “peace?” Loving ourselves allows us to love others, loving our parents is an extension of self-love because whether you like it or not, that is where you come from.

No one said that you have to see them every day, no one said you have to speak with them every day but having peace with your parents is what you do for yourself. Remember one day your child will grow up and they too will judge you. Could you measure up to the same yardstick you have chosen to use to measure mom or dad? Would you want your grown adult child treating you the same way that you have chosen to treat your parents?

It’s not over until we take our last breathe. Making peace with your parents is making peace with yourself. Forgiveness is the gift that you give to yourself!

Make 2015 the year of love and of forgiveness and watch how much better your life becomes when you aren’t holding onto anger or ill will toward others.  Bernadette Moyers

Story shared by Faun Witten on FaceBook, 2-16-15

FB https://www.facebook.com/lsfaun.witt?fref=ts