The cascade of generations of divorce is revealed in this story! Children learn from watching their parents.  Parents are modeling how relationships are supposed to work.  A child seeing parents resolve issues is learning a valuable life lesson-to resolve matters when two people disagree. A child observing parental conflict on a regular basis is more likely to view fighting as normal behavior between a husband and wife.  

Divorce is between the parents-ABOUT THE CHILD!   LOVE WINS!!!

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I am the child of multiple generations of multiple divorces. Both of my grandmothers, who were born around 1900, were divorced twice. My mother was divorced twice, and so was my father. I’m not sure about my grandfathers; I think one was divorced twice.

I grew up thinking marriage was a bad idea, but my boyfriend was afraid of displeasing his parents, insisted on it, so we married. And divorced.

I became Christian, and realized that bad marriages didn’t mean that marriages were bad. So I married an intermittent alcoholic. And divorced.

My younger sister refused to legally marry, but was “divorced” several times before finally officially marrying in her late 30’s. She stays married because it is a good business arrangement (to quote her), but is divorced in her heart, and is waiting for her husband, who has a cardiac problem, to die.

Since my parents didn’t get divorced until after I left home, you could say I am not a child of divorce. But then, my father made it very clear to my mother on their honeymoon that he would never treat her as a wife.

My younger sister is a child of divorce, and she is worse off emotionally than I am. She smiles and sparkles, and is extremely successful, but is also emotionally dead, and incapable of genuine love.

She did make sure her children had a stable home. Perhaps they will be the first members of our family in over a century not to divorce.

Please. Don’t.

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Shared on Marriage-EcoSystem.  The cascade of generations of divorce.

Link to site: http://www.marriage-ecosystem.org/the-cascade-of-generations-of-divorces.html

#290, Generations of Divorce

An adult child shares the emotional burden of parental divorce. She punished her parents and developed maladaptive coping skills to deal with the pain. Anger and disappointment in parents may be part of the process. Sometimes this leads to more dependence on self and protecting themselves from emotional hurt in intimate relationships. As a parent, this individual is determined to stay married and not to ‘let them down as they experienced.

I was 11 and 12 when my parents divorced and separated.  I engaged in minor acts of rebellion to “punish” both my mother and father in ways specifically intended to make each of them feel as bad as possible. (for example, for my mother I broke things I had made as a child which she treasured). I also pulled away from both of them and stopped talking to them about things that happened in my life. This probably is a natural part of being that age anyway, but it was certainly accelerated by the divorce.

I am now in my 30s, and looking back I can see that this has impacted on different aspects of my personality which are still present now. Not all of it is negative – having a chip on my shoulder has I think helped me do well in school and later professionally, but my tendency to withdraw when I am uncomfortable and not let people in does not do me favors. I have kids now, and I am determined not to “let them down” as I was.

#286, Emotional Burden of Divorce